Surf Park: April 2006

I Roll With Gangs!

What's Doin?

Well the longest weekend has come and gone and the SP crew made the most of the time off to practice our man skills. Many a beer was drunk, losing bets made and golf ball hit in anger over the course of the 4 days of fun.

Timmy Smith Says "robbo is a fuckin spastic"

Highlights include/lowlights include:

* Getting blind drunk on a Thursday without having to back up for work Friday
* Rest of the World dominating the Golf challenge over Australia
* Punters club losing $250 in minutes
* Boris and Leary having a drink in their hand for over 18 consecutive hours
* Robbo claiming last man standing and once again failing
* Ringo's footy team winning footy and the stinks
* Finding Piddick, only to lose him again hours later
* Tim Smith drinks with SP Members
* Ringo pushes a bike from Broady to Mermaid at 6am blind. Finds unopened Powerade on the way and drinks it
* Boris throws away winning ticket at TAB and unsuccesfully searches through the trash to find it. Old punters are amused
* Numerous Old Man jibes directed at Robbo
* "You Fuckin Spastic" call line of the weekend, as demonstrated by Robbo to hot bar girl at Melbas he was trying to tune...

Robbo: Arr so you're from England, who do you support?
Hot Girl: I follow Liverpool actually!
Robbo: Liverpool? Well you're a fuckin spastic!
Hot Girl: Well you're old and losing your hair*
(*this line may not have occured, but probably did)

Ringo's Rant #5 - Imitation is the greatest form of flattery

This is for you Nut!

Hey guys, The Rant is coming a day early due to Good Friday remember to get your grog today because you cant buy it tomoro what a pain in the arse that is but that's for a totally different rant...

Over the last few weeks I've noticed something and it is best described by a favourite saying of mine "something is a poor mans something". For example, Andy Bichel is a poor mans Brett Lee, A1 is a poor mans F1 or one of my favourites AFL is a poor mans sport (is it a sport? it should be played on lifestyle channel). Anyway it appears someone is masquerading as a poor example of the Great Man Ringo! What? I hear you all say, but yes that is correct and you know who you are ! Greeky you fat cunt you are a poor mans Ringo! Hey steady up bloke ( I can hear Pops uttering those words already) thats a bit harsh you may also declare. but proof is in the PUDding!

He drinks xxxx gold a poor mans Tooheys New
He plays lawn bowls a poor mans Rugby League
He supports manly/QLD both poor mens Rugby League Teams
He Shoots cocksucking cowboys a poor mans Tequila
He lives or used to live in Brisbane a poor mans Sydney

That's just a few! I could continue the comparisons forever but we all know there is nothing better then the original!Me the original great man (whats next greeky claims to be the excellent man greeky) New South Wales the original and the best state, a Mars bar over a Mars bar with almonds, The Predator shitting all over Predator 2, face it greeky no one likes a sequel!

One of the most dissapointing things about greekys gibberish is that it is all lies, at least rant about something that is true. Please greeky making up fan mail, whats next you give your fat gut a name. I will give you a tip Pud's taken maybe you can call it pod.

I think the clincher for all those who aren't convinced is that he writes for http://cdrrg.blogspot.com a poor mans Surf Park Adventures. You guys have been imitating us from day one, you're lucky that I'm heading off to the bar because i can feel my rant stepping up to 5th gear( ps happy anniversary gaz). Anyway cunts im off to the bar to get turfed for a great night out at toga

*ringo*

P.S Did i say Queensland is a poor mans New South Wales?

Timmys Hat #2 With Timmy Hat - Tin Hat

This week fans of Timmys Hat are in for a real treat as we take a trip through the world of science fiction, and follow the evolution of the aluminium helmet.

Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals.Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government's invasive abilities. We speculate that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.

The centurion

I like this hat because....
It's shiny, the fact that there is more than 1 style to wear your aluminium helmet, the wearer is quite obviously a six pack short of a carton

Classic

Don't leave home without it...
sci-fi conventions
electrical storms
UFO activity
being abducted by aliens

Fez

Famously worn by...
nerds
E.T.

Bear on Bitches #3 - Finger Bang!

If you are on the second date I have to assume that either the tit grab worked well or despite the fact that she didn't put out she must be smoking hot for you to give her a second chance! Either way this is how it should pan out

So you got to feel her titties a bit but she wouldn't let you get stinknuck. So when you get her back to your place after some sweet talking, you lead her up to the bedroom and you get her on the bed and you'll probably be toey from when you felt her boobs the last time. When you get in there you have gotta lay your intentions out straight away. Walk in there and yell 'I WANT STINK KNUCK, I WANT STINK KNUCK, YEAH!'

From there on if she doesn't even give you stinknuck, you throw her straight back out where she came from!
Remebember Men! Anything less is a loss!

Toots' Tips for Picking Up Chicks - #1 Pick Up Lines

Teach em when they're young. Morro as an infant

This time we examine some potentially successful and potentially harmful pick-up lines. The 3 types of lines I have personally come across (not all told to me, but used by others!) enter into categories of subtle good lines that have actually worked to get a guy laid numerous times, stupid really really bad lines (you know it’s a stupid line when, immediately after saying the line, the chick kicks you in the groin and screams “rape!” at the top of their lungs) and there is also the gamblers approach (just for you TAB boys!).

Lines That work

“Do I know you? (No.) That's a shame, I'd sure like to”

“Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven't seen you forEVER!! (huge kiss) Wow, you've really changed! (I'm not Laura) What? Oh my God, you even changed your name!”

These approaches have been proven to be the most commonly tried and tested lines which are bound to initiate conversation (even if the convo consists of “fuck off freak”)

“If you have oral-sex with your own clone, would that be called masturbation?”
This line may sound a bit upfront, but it actually is a scientifically interesting concept which will gain the attention and thoughts of your target.

“If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?”
Suprisingly, this little beauty may trick even the un-blondest of them all especially when used in a noise-productive environment. Make sure it is backed up with a sneaky smile and drink offer, and the cat’s in the bag for sure.

Stupid lines that might get you kicked out when used on a promo girl

“Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.”

“Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) Cause they're mine sweetheart."
Bound to get a slap around the face or groin wound. Might not even get to finish the line….

“I'm drunk.”
Definitely the biggest turn-off line you could use. Although when used by a female, definitely the best turn-on line you could use.

“You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.”
A stupid line for a stupid chick.

“Do you see the angry leprechaun on my shoulder?"
Creeping people out is bad. I shouldn’t have to explain why.

Gambler’s Lines

“I bet you $100 you're gonna turn me down.”
“I bet you $50 you’re gonna turn me down.”
And for those who actually need the money…..
“I bet you $10 you’re gonna turn me down.”

In summary, I quote a pick-up line used from my muse for this weeks Toot’s Tips:

“Is your name Jaime?” (yes) “fuck!”

G-Dog Da Kiwi #8 - Aussies Raping Kiwis

Here is one for the aussies. 5 gloomy moments for the kiwis.

1. That Tackle in 1994.

Gregan's tackle forces the ball from Wilson's grasp whilst scoring the winning try in the Bledisloe Cup.

2. That Ball in 1981.

Cheats! All of you!

3. That Kick in 2000.

Forwards are for lineouts and scrums, not skilful stuff. Someone tell Eales that please.

4. That Try in 2001.

Kefu scores in injury time. A heartbreaker.

5. That game in 2002.

Aussies win Commonwealth gold medal in second extra time 55 - 53. Raped.

Winny's Spewing Adventures # 2 - Horse

My next piece of art comes from a drunken night out with a great man Chooky, who is now stationed in WA rooting bitches and drinking goon with homeless people. My participant is a man that has more money than Surf Park combined, his name is Horse (formally Nicholas Leon Wills). The setting is at Chookys mums place where we drank rum cans until 5am and were then awoken to the smell of greasy (delicious) bacon, sausages and eggs which went down a treat.

Horse loved it so much that he decided he wanted to see it again by himself, but lucky I kept an eye on him as he ventured around the house.I grabbed my trusty samsung and caught the attention of Classy Dave and everyone else in sight and proceeded to follow Horse. What we found was this beautiful creation of solid yellow chunks being projectiled out of his wide open throat onto Chooks mums front lawn. Now this was a classic moment, but what made it even better was that Horse decided he needed to clean this up. He grabbed the nearest hose and sprayed the mountain of spew towards the road, only to end up all over Classy's freshly washed car, CLASSIC.

This moment just proves that spewing is all about the good times and is nothing to be ashamed of. Finger inducement not be needed.

Go the Scum Dogs!

Winny

Cool Bets

As many of you know, we here at SP Adventures love a bet and drink! Between playing poker 4 nights a week, Sports TAB, Fortnightly trips to the track and intra house bets you could say that we may have a little problem.

It seems that we aren't the only ones out there who like a punt though, props go out to this bloke from BrisVegas who bet his mates 20 cartons of beer (exactly half a Mooloolaba) that he couldnt get 1 billion hits on his web page http://www.onebillionviews.com . Your story touches our hearts here at SP Adventures with two of our loves Beer and Betting combined in wedded blissed! So get out there people and help this kid and his dream of being one boozed mofo by clicking on the link provided on the side of our blog!

Drinking and Betting the perfect match!

G-Dog sa Kiwi #7 - Aussies and Kiwis as one

This week we look at the rare times when us trans-tasman rivals joined together and actually got on.

1. ANZACs - Enough said. Lest we forget.

2. Gay-FL - Australian Rules Football has (not-so) proud history in NZ, so much so that the game was officially called Australasian Football from the 1880's through to World War 1. The game was first played in Otago by many of the thousands of Australians who poured into the mainland during the 1860's gold rush. World War 1 stopped the development of the Australian game in NZ, and we are proud not to be gay! Now the silly game is solely for the states that don't count.

3. Rugby League - What you guys probably don't know is that when the 1905 All Blacks toured Australia, NSW was starting to adopt AFL - a horrible thought - as their number one game. Rugby League hardly existed, but the attraction of the All Blacks side was huge.... and it was the reason why the Australian Rugby League was formed in 1908. In 1911 - 1912 we played together as one team - the Australasian Rugby League Team - against the Poms. And we beat them. Rugby League was born.... and aren't you guys happy now!

Imagine a combined side now.... The Tri-nations champions (and arguably the best side in the world) combined with you Aussies would take some beating.

4. VB - shit beer.... but it's actually chaper to buy in New Zealand than in Australia. And they are thinking about serving it on tap now. Shows that there are still Maoris in NZ and they aren't all on the Gold Coast.