Happy Birthday You Pommy Tarts

Happy birthday to a couple of expats in the land of the pasty white man with stupid haricuts (England). We hope you kids get drunk on warm beer and do what ever it is you do over there.


Girl on girl grope, strong

Happy birthday Zelda, we here at SP here you have a cheap immatation one of these at the moment but we thought we would drag out the signing nude jordo for you. Flowers and all.



And for you Mrs Musameci happy birthday too. That is a stupid hat and is sure to envoke the rage in Ringos pud and cause another Paddys day rant.



For you we have gladly purchase a pair of scissors so you can cut the stupid hairstyle your boyfriend is sporting at the moment.

We Is Smart Y'all

Last night a few of the SP Crew ventured out of the house to the GUGC Uni Bar to participate in a Trivia Night with a sport theme. We split into two teams with Hat, Morro, Bly Bly entering under the moniker of the Angry Dragons. Whilst Ringo, Boris and Pirate entered under the name of The Towels in honour of the great towel, Towlie. Toots was also a member of The Towels but unfortuantely her skills were limited to Jug Geterer.


Hat, Morro with the loot and Bly Bly

Anyway we drank some jugs, answered questions and dominated physical challenges and got a little bit drunk. The Angry Dragons put in a credible performance with a Man of the Match effort from Morro who stole a soccer ball for SP use when collecting his teams prizes.


The Towels Pirate, Bear, Toots, Ringo

The Towels stormed out of the blocks and lead the for the majority of the game, only to be beaten by a cheating Baseball team (you know who you are baldy, going around circling the tables stealing answers you little merkin!) in the final round.

We weren't too angry as Morro got a very desperately needed new soccer ball, drank jugs of new and found a chick with a bigger rack then Toots McGee! We then went home and watched wondershowzen and stankervision, they are funny and we is smart.


Check out the chick in the blue! Stacked!

G-Dog Da Kiwi #6 - Ugly Kiwi's

Ugly Kiwis

OK OK I know we are an ugly race.... but these famous Kiwis stand out the most, at least they don't have hairstyle like Musa!



1. Tana Umaga.... once said his biography would be called "a picture tells a thousand words..... cos there would be a lot of pictures in it...." Oh sweet as tana.... this picture tells a million words!!



2. Helen Clark.... was voted the best man for the job in 1999, and has held power since then. Not only ugly but stupid.



3. Minime.... It sucks when really ugly deformed people make millions because of it.... but good on him. A true ugly kiwi.



4. Scott Styris.... even after back to back centuries and potloads of wickets the papers still refuse to put him on the front page. No guessing why.



5. Peter Jackson.... great talent, but one feels he should have been starring in the Lord of the Rings rather than producing it.

gAyFL

And you southerners wonder why we have no respect for your game? AFL once again the joke of the sporting world...

Ringo's Rant #4 - Give Me My Name Back!

For all those that have been waiting for the next installment of gibberish, here it is (that's you Nut)


The genuine article - The great man Ringo

What the fuck is it with this website "www.ringo.com" ripping off my name? Sure I'm the first to declare it's been great to see all those funny photos of us getting drunk,I'll also admit that it has been instrumental in making this the great blogsite that it is.


Fraud, fake, myth... Give back my URL cunt!

But, that does not excuse the fact that it is blatantly ripping off me... "the great man ringo"! Quite frankly it shits me to tears everyday when I check my emails ( which I do every day being the stinkin student lamo I am.) that I see an email in my inbox from none other than me ..."the great man ringo". Only to relise that it's just a bunch of photos which sometimes don't even include me... " the great man Ringo " in them. F#ck That!

*Ringo*


Scored on of the greatest tries ever against the poms - Its was a good try

P.S It was a good try Musa! Unlike that fuckin haircut, what the fuck? Thorpe wouldn't even try to pull that shit off.

The worst hair style ever - Bad Try. What were you thinking? Where's your pearl necklace trendy man?

Timmys Hat #1 With Timmy Hat - The Canadian

Welcome to the first edition of Timmy's Hat with Timmy Hat. This column has been hotly anticipated for weeks and I'm sure the first edition will ensure a huge following.


THE CANADIAN - This cold-weather cap features a helmet of fine Canadian bacon and a chin-strap of sausage links. Just as their dense flesh protects pigs through the harsh Canadian winters, this hat keeps your head warm in the coldest of climates

I like this hat because.....
* It's made of meat. This gets points for originality but also the added quality of providing food for an entire BBQ.
* It looks stupid
* It makes fun of stupid Canadians

Don't leave home without it.....
* When attending a BBQ
* Playing with dogs
* Feeding goats

Famously worn by....
* stupid kanucks
* babe

Happy Birthday! - KH

We here at SP Adventures would like to wish KH a very happy 22nd birthday. To think it was only 12 months ago we were running around Broncos and assorted Brisbane venues getting blotto to celebrate. One prediction was made in that 21st book of yours and it came true.

So we would like to present you a very special gift. A nude Jordo singing you happy birthday! We couldn't afford a cake for him to jump out of as went spent it on alcholic beverages at lunch. So here he is! Now ladies don't get too excited as Jordo is a spoken man.


You bad bad man Jordo

G-Dog Da Kiwi #5 - Stupid Kiwi Names

1. New Zealand Solicitors: Hitchcock and Scratchett.

2. After the All Blacks, sports teams gave themselves names such as Tall Blacks (Basketball), All Whites (Soccer), Ice Blacks (Ice Hockey), Wheel Blacks (Wheelchair Rugby) and even Black Cocks (Badminton). After the badminton name was announced a New Zealand newspaper headline said "Authorities find Black Cocks hard to
Swallow...")

3. Whakapapa (pronounced Fuck-a-Papa) - North Island Place Name.

4. Helen Clark - normal name but very silly person. (only kiwis are stupid enough to put a woman in power)

5. Chilly Bin, Jandals, Duvet, Judder Bar, Twink.... hahaha laugh it up you silly Aussies.

The Weekend

Drunk all weekend. Don't remember much. But do remember Tegan and G-Dog making Pizza in the kitchen, Tegan come get some ham! (hint Pizza is code for something else, use your mind, if you can't you should look for it in the gutter and do the thinking there). Drinking once again every waking hour of the weekend, and there was a lot of them.

Pics say a thousand words apparently... here's a few thousand then.

SP Profile #4- Musa

This week we profile Musa, foundation member and foreign alumni

AKA: Brad, Musa-meika

Status: Signed long term English Super League Contract. Will retire with his current club

Teams: Cowboys, QLD everything

Beer of Choice: XXXX

Random Fact: Holds Guiness World Record for stupidist haircut

Sports Heros: Ian Thorpe (see picture above)

Known For: Being incredibly short, and that hairstyle...what the hell is with that?

Been Heard Saying: "I'm not going out tonight", "I'm still hungover" - 3 days after drinking

Once got so drunk that: He tried to enter another person's house thinking it was his. Let us trash Surf Park and throw everything into the fan. Got the above hairstyle.

By Day: F#cked if we know?

Skills: Cooking Skills, House Making Skills

Ringo's Rant #3 - We're Not Irish!

F#ck Your day Paddy! This is Australia and we drink real beer here!

You know what really shits me to tears? F#cks who celebrate events such as St Pats day and then try and make you feel inferior for not joining in on the festivities. Last time I checked we did not live in Ireland or New Zealand bro or even Guatemala. So f#ck Waitangi Day, St Pats Day, Canuck Day or Independence day too!

For that instance the only national day of pride I need is Jan 26th, and what a day it was this year! So for all those people out there who might be thinking of asking me to come join them in a Patties day beer my answer is a big not f#ckin interested!If any one even considers asking me to join in on something like Independence Day you better be ready for a swift roundhouse kick to the head mate. ( diclaimer norwegian day is super sweet so many hot scandos, and only because they are hot).

It just so happens that patties day lands on a Friday this year, which is more then enough to get me out on the piss. So anyone keen to head out tonight big "F#ck yeah its friday!" is all I need to hear. Anyone who is planning on St Pats day celebrations, lets just say there is a certain QLD supporter out there who knows all about my flykicking skills and I'm itching to them show a few more people.

*Ringo*

PS Well done to the Shire boy overnight bagging five for on Debut and another big fuck you to that downer c#nt Mick Lewis. F#ckin Victorians

Toots' Tips for Picking Up Chicks - #1 Supermarket

Hot Tip: Chicks in pink tops and minis with mobiles are aching, make them your target! Always a sure thing!

Location: Supermarket – Make sure you choose a decent supermarket that chicks would actually shop at, not the dodgy 7/11 down the road where the Korean guy sells u cheap hotdogs and slushies. You do not want to pick up the chicks that shop here. The store needs at least 7 aisles with a semi-decent fruit and vege section.

Target Market: Flatmates – Young, hot chicks that shop together (they are most likely not lemons so don’t even try). Make sure they are not in a rush!Step class or a manicure is way more important than some wanker at Woolworth’s.

MILF’S – Main target (if you’re only looking to score, say no to that baggage!!). MILFS have more time to spare and are always open to…..well anything. Make sure there is no ring, and that they are not with a guy (I'm sure you could hold your own but get over yourself!).

Required accessories: Baby – Borrow or steal one (preferably not have one yourself cos it would just be ugly therefore negating the purpose of the task). A baby has ultimate magical pulling power for both hot flatties and MILFS, and will give you opportunity to advance.

Do: Fill up your trolley with items with sexual relevance such as cucumber, carrots, whipped cream (but not too much, you don’t wanna look like a sex maniac, not yet anyway J), sausages and grapes. These items will encourage unconscious sexual thoughts which will improve the mood for picking up.

Don’t: Fill your trolley up with stuff like bread and microwave dinners, these foods have no sexual innuendo and makes you look unhealthy and dumb. Try your luck with the check-out chick. She’s working and doesn’t want to hear your shit. Rejection is guaranteed.
Use a small child instead of a baby, it will just annoy the crap out of you, eat all your food and ruin any chance of striking with a hottie.

Say: Would you like a hand with your melons?

Overall, no matter where you are, detach yourself from desperation. Animals smell fear, chicks smell desperation. Major turn-off! Aim for min 5 out of 10!

Toots

G-Dog Da Kiwi #4 - Sheep

This week 5 random facts about are about my favorite topic Sheep!

1. There are a shitload of sheep in New Zealand.

2. A Kiwi with two sheep under each arm is officially called a 'Pimp'.

3. If you put a sheep up against the edge of a cliff it pushes back harder.

4. Dating a sheep is better than a woman because it doesn't get upset if you root her sister.

5. An unkown fact - Sheep can also be used for meat and wool.


Even Vetori loves a bit of action!

Name Change - Morro is now Mr!

After a night on the booze and a sleep over with friend of Surf Park Mrs, Surf Park Member formerly known as Morro shall now be known as Mr from here on until further notice. Please change his name in your mobile immediately.





Morro get's confirmation, it's going to be a sleep over! And isn't he happy!

Gambling Weekend - Saturday Night & Sunday

The boys hit the town on a big way Saturday night visiting local favorites the Tramp and Melbas top blow their hard earnt cash. We cant really report what happened as after 17 hour straight on the sauce, our memories were pretty much shot. We know that one house mate did pick up a person well known to Surf Park and has incurred him a new nick name - all to be revealed soon!

A couple of picks were snapped of the evening!


Obviously pre 3am at Melba's as Robbo is still around!


Little Bit later on, still going hours later!

Anyway we got up the next day, still stupidly rad drunk and dragged our asses to Suncorp Stadium to watch the Ponies Cowgirls clash with 47,000 other punks. We got drunk again, it was good. Now we are all tired and trying to get some rest for next weekend!

Gambling Weekend - Saturday - Robbo's Screw Up and Redemption

Waking up to Robbo yelling "Get Up Dirty Leary!" wasn't the ideal start to the day. After a long night on the piss Pirate, Boris and Old Man Robbo hop a lift courtesy of Mrs to the Gold Coast Turf Club for a day on the punt. After arriving late and missing out on putting money on a tip the great man Ringo only to see the horse come in at 9-1 we thought we were in for a shite day.

Setting up camp infront of the bookies and bar's the boys got back on the sauce nailing jug after jug whilst studying the form. After starting out strong with a couple wins and exta's it started going down hill after we celebrated a trifecta win in Sydney. Plagerize had toyed with the feild after we stood her out to bring home a great win (unfortunately it would be her last race after she pulled up lame - the end of a potentially great horse) Pirate went to collect our coin when it was found out Robbo had placed the bet in race 6 instead of 4 costing us the win! Fool!

With our heads down and losing the next 6 exacta's to 1st and 3rd places each time, and getting screwed on the Melbourne Treble by a 91-1 shot. Robbo convinced the boys to put on a Treble and then back themselves again on the double in Melbourne. After a nervous 3rd race, the boys were shouting down the Might and Power bar and screaming We're Rich Bitch on their way to collect! Robbo had redeemed himself, for once!


Redemption has never been so sweet - We're Rich Biach!

The boys promptly hopped a cab forgetting about the live double they still had in Perth to sip on Corona's and watch the greatest game of all - Rugby League on Fox Sports. Before departing for a night on the town! SP Style!

Gambling Weekend - Part 1

Well the inagural gambling weekend has come and gone, and it was a major success for most of the SP crew. Friday night saw a poker night being held at the Adventures HQ with 14 participants trying their lucky at the $280 kitty on offer. Particpants from far and wide as London, Bundy, Brisbane (do you know where that is fet?) and where-ever Robbo lives turned up for the night. A roll of the dice decided which participants would sit at, with the "evens" table being heavily stacked with the early favorites.

The Game kicked off in unison with the NRL Season and just like Jason Ryles the Pirate was the first one to be sent packing by lucky river draw from Horse the blessed prick. On table gumby Piddick was the first to be kicked off by the funny looking metro from Bundy with a terrible all in call.


Wooden Spoon goes to: Pirate

Anyway many beers later we were down to the final six with the survivors being Winny, Timmy Hat, Jordo, Robbo, Pops and Boris. Robbo being at bigger odds then Souths to win the comp with a massive stack of 20 odd chips. In the end Winny ended up taking 3rd place with Timmy Hat and Hoi Hoi Jordo splitting 1st as The Hat had to leave for Sydney in a few hours.


Cash Money, Timmy should have been more patient and taken it from Jordo, he didnt deserve it!

At the completion of play a few of the crew headed into town. Jordo getting so blind he spent all his winnings, whilst pirate and bear snuck of early in unusual fashion with an unknown ailment... Damn crackies

Media Release From G-Dog-Da Kiwi

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

From Canberra ACT
Due to recent speculation regarding my love life I have decided to come forward regarding my relationship with a lady from an African Nation. I am in love once again, and yes I do have a girlfriend. I would please ask the media and the public please allow my new love and I privacy at this special time in our relationship.

I kindly ask any radio media to please play Toto's Africa and Bob Sinclair's Love Generation for inspiration during my stay away in Canberra to help me through these tough times.

ENDS

Image attached Geordie in his favourite shirt. Hi-Res Image Available upon request.



Any media requests can be handle through BS PR at geedog33@gmail.com

G-Dog Da Kiwi #3 - Famous Kiwis

G-Dog da Kiwi - 5 famous kiwis

1. Russell Crowe: Born in Wellington, this great Kiwi actor sprung to fame in the USA with 'The Quick and the Dead' in 1995. Has acheived much success recently with films such as 'Gladiator' and 'A Beautiful Mind'. Starred also on South Park (as himself) with his friend Tugger (not Coleman) in a series called 'Fighting Around the World'.


Rusty doing what he does best beating up cunts in between trying to buy the Rabbitohs

2. Tonie Carroll: Born in Christchurch (the place of my birth). A great Kiwi rugby league player who has achieved success at domestic, national and international levels, albeit in the wrong coloured jerseys. Known for his workrate and big hits - very Kiwi-like.


Tonie Carroll playing for his real country smashing through the Leb defense. Cheatin QLD'ers allways steal Kiwis and Kumuls

3. Phar Lap: Born in Timaru. One of, if not the greatest horse in the world, Phar Lap ensured the Aussie horses were left staring at his arse in the 1930 Melbourne Cup. Phar lap raced in 51 races worldwide, winning 37 of them. A Kiwi Great.


Bullshit, Phar Laps an Aussie. You can have the rest Dog

4. Clarrie Grimmett: Born in Dunedin in 1891, Clarrie became the first cricketer to take 200 test wickets. His round arm leg spinning action enabled him to become a wizard with the ball, inspiring the great Richie Benaud who still rates him as one of the greatest bowlers of all time. Another great Kiwi who somehow kept on putting on the wrong coloured cap whenever he played.


Who gives a fuck, it was like a 100 years ago. Stupid Kiwis

5. Dan Bligh. Born in Taranaki (unconfirmed, but look him.... it has to be true). AKA Chuck, Squatter. An embarassment to all Kiwis as he claims to be a true blue Aussie, Dan looks more Kiwi than the average New Zealander. His unbelievable rugby union talent confirms that he must have Kiwi blood in him.


100%. Dan Bligh, he's a slice of heaven oh yeh

News Flash - Taxi Shuns Gay Life, Returns to Ex

Additional reporting From Brisbane correspondant Winny:

Surf Park TAB is now paying the $1.01 divedend that thousands of punters took up on the "Will Taxi return to his Mrs" option at Surf Park TAB. After spending the weekend at the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras indulging in all the facets of his new lifestyle, Taxi returned one very sore and sorry boy.


Taxi entertains the Oxford St crowd last Sunday.

Upon his return to Brisvegas The Classy One knew he couldn't keep up the hetic demands of his new toy boy lifestyle for too much longer. A drunknen sms is all it took for the real apple in his eye to return to his life once again. When asked to comment, Taxi gave a brief statement to waiting media "The power of love, is far greater then the lust for sweet, rock hard ass."

SP TAB's spokesman Robbo Brown said despite the incredibly small odd's his agency had taken a beating. "It's common knowledge that Taxi liked to swing both ways. But just as sure as South Sydney fans start each season with fresh hope after the Charity Sheild, its a certainty they will return to their old ways.We've been screwed by Whales dumping Millions on a certain return, just like the Reds get screwed by the draw."

In other betting news SP TAB has shortened the Cowboys odds from $2.30 to $1.04 for this Sundays blcokbuster against the Broncos with the news that Hoi Hoi Jordo has secured tickets. When SP Adventures spoke to Robbo Brown he was filthy "F#ckin Jordo, he's cost me again. I took a sh!t load of bets at $2.30, then he goes and f#cks its up for me. I better have some luck at Randwick this weekend to cover these losses!"

Pirate's Propaganda #2 - CDRGG - Includes Pirate's Pea Heart

The Pirate has been soo damn busy drinking piss, chasing skirt, working and updating the blog that I have been unable to update my very own little column. So due to popular demand here is episode number 2!


The new gay pride symbol

CDRGG and associates, now I like these guys, I would nearly go as far to say that they are good blokes! But there is something about the CDRGG that really grinds my gears. No, it's not that they are Queenslanders! Although deep down this could the root of the problem. It is the fact that when they go to get on the piss, they drink XXXX Gold. Now for all of those fortunate enough not to know what I am talking about, XXXX Gold is the half strength beer brewed by possibly the worlds worst brewer XXXX (History tip: XXXX is named so as until New South Welshmen taught them Queenslander's didn't know how to spell beer).


CDRGG in action Pops, Geary, Womby and Tom Green rockin out at Gears Bucks Weekend

Why the hell would you drink a mid strength beer on a bucks weekend when you are trying to get drunk? It doesn't make sense! Whilst Surf Park and I are plowing through a carton of the great Tooheys New, you punks have to drink 36 of your cat-pisseque Golds to match our drunken state! You are never going to drink more then 50% more beers then us over a weekend, no matter how often you piss!


Even before SP was around, Ringo and Pirate knew how to drink. Mooloola '01 (40 cartons for day consumption)

Come on guys start drinking real beer, even if it is XXXX bitter! Soft and Proud should be your new motto! If you're scared, come on down to SP and we will teach you how to stomach full strength beer, one at a time. We will even donate our time for free.


How to pack a fridge SP style. Note the lack of girly beer!

So this weeks Pea Heart of the week award goes to CDRGG for being Soft and Proud! Unlike being gay and proud (we love you Moss) this is unacceptable!

Discalimer: Drinking gold when the DD or at Gay QLD sporting venues is permissable, just.

Pic of the Day - It was Raining

This pic was pulled from the vault whilst i was going through my E-mails the other day. Toots McGee (right) appears to have entered a wet t-shirt comp. She tried to deny this claim by saying it was raining outside.



The above photo shows the boys, all with dry shirts and no nipples showing! This proving Toots to be a liar, again.

List of Toots Myths
- It was a kiss good bye
- I didnt enter a wet t-shirt comp, it was raining!